Saturday, July 4, 2015

Resistance

I am resisting so hard.  For over a week, all I have actively felt about doing the work is resistance.  With my relationship to power.  With my desire to connect to people.  With conversations about myself, and about others.

Writing about my resistance ties my stomach up in a knot.  I feel like vomiting.  I feel like I can't take any more of this.  I feel like I cannot let go.  I feel like I have this filthy crap inside of me.  My body just wants it gone and I won't let go.

I really, really want to do an ayahuasca journey.  I don't know how, or where to make that happen.  I don't want to go back to Arizona for it.  Right now, I want to leave the man that hid in Arizona behind me.

I feel like someone has punched me in the gut.  I have ice water in my bowels.  My stomach is churning and clenched.  My diaphragm is barely moving it is so knotted up.  Breathing is hard.  I'm crying.  My legs feel tight, and not numb, exactly, but kind of numb the way you feel after trying to tighten a muscle as much as possible for hours at a time.  My thighs, the front of my shins, my feet all feel like this.  So do my neck, shoulders, lower back, scalp, and forehead.

Oddly though, the knot I've felt for so long between my right shoulder blade and my chest isn't there.  My only difficulty breathing is from my diaphragm.

Wednesday, July 1, 2015

A Love Letter to Myself

Sean,

You are smart.  You are funny and witty.  You make amazing puns.  Your ability to think sideways is astonishing.  Your intuition is almost scary sometimes.  It's like you can see right through me.

I'm humbled by how well you move and by how strong you are.  You inspire me and many others to do more, try more, and test their limits more.

Your vulnerability is sexy.  It makes me want to know more about you.  It makes me want to be closer to you.  It makes me want to hold you and open up to you.

Your ability to solve problems is impressive.  You tackle hard situations with flair, and you always provide insight when anyone else brings you their challenges.

Your ability to communicate is stunning.  You so often bring disparate people together and handle miscommunication effectively.  You seem to know what people really mean and understand when people aren't connecting to each other, and know how to help them connect.

Your compassion and love leave me speechless.  I've never experienced a heart as open and deep as yours.  You truly treat every person as an equal, and you show everyone unconditional, and non-judgemental love.  It blows me away.

Your generosity is impressive and intimidating.    You have a giving spirit and it honors the best inside of us.

Your willingness to face yourself, face your demons, your shame, your darkness, and to work on it constantly is beautiful.  I want to be like you, and I am inspired by your example to keep facing my own work.

I love you, Sean.  You are perfect, and I want to be around you.  Thank you for being in my life.  Thank you for letting me see with your eyes.  Thank you for allowing me to be myself, for better or worse, while still helping me along if I ask for it.