Saturday, July 4, 2015

Resistance

I am resisting so hard.  For over a week, all I have actively felt about doing the work is resistance.  With my relationship to power.  With my desire to connect to people.  With conversations about myself, and about others.

Writing about my resistance ties my stomach up in a knot.  I feel like vomiting.  I feel like I can't take any more of this.  I feel like I cannot let go.  I feel like I have this filthy crap inside of me.  My body just wants it gone and I won't let go.

I really, really want to do an ayahuasca journey.  I don't know how, or where to make that happen.  I don't want to go back to Arizona for it.  Right now, I want to leave the man that hid in Arizona behind me.

I feel like someone has punched me in the gut.  I have ice water in my bowels.  My stomach is churning and clenched.  My diaphragm is barely moving it is so knotted up.  Breathing is hard.  I'm crying.  My legs feel tight, and not numb, exactly, but kind of numb the way you feel after trying to tighten a muscle as much as possible for hours at a time.  My thighs, the front of my shins, my feet all feel like this.  So do my neck, shoulders, lower back, scalp, and forehead.

Oddly though, the knot I've felt for so long between my right shoulder blade and my chest isn't there.  My only difficulty breathing is from my diaphragm.

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