The last few weeks have been difficult for me. I had daily panic attacks for over a week. Somehow, after they were over, I would forget that I had them. A week ago last Monday, I had a really bad one while I was out running errands. During it, I realized I'd been having them every day and forgetting about them. I took stock, and recognized that my body was asking for rest and self care. I spent most of a week in contraction. I got virtually nothing done during this time, but I slept and rested as much as my body asked. I drank tons of water. I nourished my body, and slowly allowed my mind, emotions, spirit, and energy come back to a place of balance.
Except that I didn't. Come to balance, that is. The last week, I began experiencing something disturbing. It was not constant, but repeatedly, for a day, or half a day, or sometimes as little as a few hours, my energy would feel like it stopped moving. I would no longer be able to move my energy consciously. I would not be able to ground (to the earth below me), a skill which generally comes to me as effortlessly as breathing. I could not connect to trees, to the earth, nor shift my energy at all. When this happened, I would tremble, shakes caused by the chaos in my nervous system. It was deeply unsettling, and frightening.
Today, I believe I gained some insight on what has been happening. I was being given a clear picture of the state of masculine energy in my body. It is a mess. I am not connected to masculine source. The masculine energy remaining in my body is weak and not flowing. It also feels like I have been too out of balance to allow me to heal my relationship to feminine. Like trying to run an electrical circuit that is only connected to ground, nothing moves, nothing happens.
Seeing clearly that this has been a lesson I've been slow to receive has reduced my anxiety around what I experienced. The lesson itself has shown me where I need to focus. I need to be sourced above as below. I need to balance myself. I need both the yin and the yang. One is insufficient.
I am hearing this valuable lesson my body was giving me. I begin this next stage of my journey in gratitude to the teaching and to the discomfort and pain that would not let me ignore it, and that would not let me move on without the learning I needed.
Are you listening to the lessons in your greatest areas of pain? Does my story resonate with you, or call up any response? I am listening, and appreciate anything you have to share.